felt like i had been in a rpg (Role Playing Game) all this while. but instead of playing and pretending that i am the character inside, i Am actually the character itself. and while in games, we can choose to play first-person (fps) or third-person shooter (tps), i can only be the first-person shooter in my case. and Without "god mode" if you are wondering.
i can "die" anytime. well .. not "dying" in real life kinda way of course, but more like "dying" in the subject, which means failing it. (geez .. i even felt my spine tingled by typing "the f word" - excuse you, not the bad f word if you are even thinking in that direction ..)
this whole semester had been a roller coaster ride for me. the nerve-wreaking pressure that i never feared and felt as much had took over me for the past few months. especially the recent month. friends around me though i was exaggerating it. but i sure as hell am not. those that took the same subject felt it, but to what extend that i do not know.
had been missing sleep, waking up in the middle of the night unable to return to sleep, and waking up earlier than ever for continuous days. it felt terrible, like i was never resting all this time. the sleeps meant nothing, as i still felt as tired.
hope i can say that i had reach a safe-base, for me to reload my weapons and restore my health bar before i am out in the field killing and trying to survive at the same time again. i really, really hoped and wanted to say i had live-through the first part of my fyp (final year project). another semester of continuous fyp-life may be coming soon but let it worry and occupy me by then. i want to savor this moment. this fear, this pressure that i felt for the past month, let me at least savor the aftertaste for now.
for i do not wish to rush myself into the field again and have death staring back at me without me ever feeling glad that i was alive ..
"to endure what IS, we must remember what WAS, and dream of things as they will one day BE"