Unsecurity.

have you ever felt unsecured?

i do, often. lets use part of the 5Ws (what, when, where, who, why) n 1H (how) model to derive this.

the most common cause (why)? when someone or some situation hurt you. the resolution (how) ? the tendency is always - to find someone to rely on, even if it is just for the sake of security.

but when that person becomes the reason you are hurt, or suddenly leave you alone in the darkness struggling for light, the insecurity returns to continue haunting you. the emotional uncertainty, the emotional baggage that keep on adding weight to itself ..

i have yet to discover a way to rely my heart on. to give it out once n for all. to get it over with. a wise person once advised me to surrender my heart to god. "god will not leave you, god will not forsaken you" he said. n i welled up in tears listening to that. isn't that what we had been searching high n low for, the security that we seek so desperately in life? someone to care for us, someone to always be there.

but no, its not easy to surrender. not to anyone, n sometimes, not even to god. its easier said than done. it is in human nature to hold on to our "precious" pride, on not letting go, on not giving up. (poor little me .. boo-hoo ..)

i have yet to discover what life has to offer. n for now, i will take my life one step at a time. for neither can i skip n jump ahead, nor can i rush it. i will thank god in this situation, for i know he has plans for me. this - what i face n feel so deeply of - will merely be a stepping stone to my future. n a brighter one.