my struggle solely lies in not knowing where we're at. n no longer know what i'm working towards. what i need, is to feel stable n needed, not being tested like some guinea pigs, which might last for years.
after a long night, long hours of conflicts, once again, i found my aim. i belief its worth the time n effort to make each other "see" our own perspective. though more works n efforts are needed from now on, but it is so much better than watching the relationship wither away. *pains*
i had been misinterpreting his effort, by applying my own definition of "effort". surprisingly i found that there are so much more that goes under that smile, so much more running through that mind, despite his quiet appearance. though i don't quite understand his thoughts, nor his way of doing things. but i do get one important point - he cares. even when he doesn't show it, he still cares ..
ain't sure how to achieve the "trust" n "accept" thingy. but then again, i suppose they won't fall from the sky without me reaching out aiming to achieve it. *thinking hard* .. can i -trust- without feeling -stable- ?? can i -accept- without having -trust- ?? shouldn't -trust- be earned overtime ?? .. *dizzy*
somehow, he knew me more than i thought he knew me. he knew me even more than i thought i knew myself. stuff that he said, simple yet straight to my deepest longing -the desire to be happy-, things that he saw right through me -the pain that i had gone through-, things that i thought otherwise -the trust thingy-. can't help but to well up in tears again. but this time, it is the tear of relief, the tear of gladness. i'm finally able to say aloud: i'm not alone in this relationship.
for those who follow my struggles, watching me hanging on n cheering me on - Thank You. you are in fact, part of my energy source to surface. thanks -hian- for listening n the late night contribution of helpful perspectives n advices.