Active? Passive?

more dilemmas n self-contradiction ..

i really shouldn't be demanding for more. yet sometimes i felt like i'm not involved. n not being involved in a relationship that i'm in, worries me a lot. a very dangerous sign ..

yet when i finally realized how this has been going on "forever" (well .. at least it really does feel like "forever"), its difficult for me to stop. i had "shifted" long before i notice, shifted from being in the passive-role to the active-role. n when i'm suddenly advised to return being the "passive"-me from now onwards, i was deeply troubled ..

as i was warned n forced to pause in my tracks, looking back over my shoulder, at the efforts that i had put in for the "shifting", i was shocked to find out that i may be no longer be myself. i'm now the "other" me. the "second" me. an active "me" that i created along the way, to make myself suit him. (instead of requesting him to change n suit me, cause things will never work out that way .. )

what i was advised, is to "sit tight n observe". as easy as it sounds, it is pretty nerve-wrecking !! the efforts n actions that i performed while i was in the "active" role, are all banned for now. i was left with "no-action, only response". (inner scream: no ~~~~ !! )

it pains me, to sit on the bench n not being in the field, to look at the relationship falling apart, n not "allow" to do anything, to save or at least to maintain it. had been reasoning with myself: "no, im not giving up !!" yet, now may be time to re-think the direction of this relationship. i'm starting to doubt .. another dangerous sign !! *struggle to stay on the path*

i knew roughly what would happen when i'm placing myself back in the passive-role. this is the exact reason i had shifted myself towards the active-role in the first place. dilemmas .. dilemmas !! *dizzy*

NOW - is the crucial period of the relationship .. *holding my breathe* n *having faith* ..